independent

so i did something on friday that i have never done in my 41 years...i bought my own car, by myself. now maybe you other women of the world have been walking around all willy nilly buying cars without a male counterpart in tow, but i am not one of those women. when i was younger, i had my dad to help. then when we moved to maryland, i enlisted my uncle. the last 3 times i bought a car, my husband was with me. if i didn't have him, i would've asked a male friend. despite this, i'm definitely consider myself an independent person...i just never bought a car independently. so let me set the scene for this tale. the car i wanted to buy was an hour away in fairfax, virginia. orginally, the male counterpart that lives with me was going to make the trek with me on saturday morning. however, i got a wild hair up my ass on friday and decided to leave right after work and just get it done. my friday OOTD was jeans rolled up (i'm short), a sweet pair of nikes, and an oversized red sweatshirt that had a rainbow, heart, and the word TEACH on it. 

after an hour ride in the rain after work, i arrived at (what i thought was) the dealership. when i pulled in, admittedly, the place looked a little sketchy and not at all what i had seen on the website. i had reached out via email about the car i wanted to test drive and a man named jeffrey wrote me back immediately and said to come on by. i sauntered in wearing my rainbow shirt and a smile, scared and anxious out of my wits at what i was about to do. as i lowered my umbrella, 3 middle eastern men rose out of their chairs, 2 black men stared at me, and one old white man who probably sold no less than 4,234 cars in his day started walking toward me. the place smelled of bad cologne and even worse decisions. upon approaching me, the older white man was very wrinkly, had a pack of smokes in the front pocket of his shirt, and shook my hand vigorously while asking, 'i'm ed! so what brings you in today?!' 

the other five men continued to stare as i said (as independently as i could muster), 'i got an email from jeffrey stating i could come in and test drive a car i was interested in?' he then looked at the others, as if one of them was going to play the ROLE of jeffrey, because clearly no one named jeffrey was there. after an awkward silence from everyone involved, ed turned to me and said, 'i'm sorry honey, but i think you got the wrong dealership.' (honey!) i showed him the email, including the address, and he said, 'oh! the good news is you are close!' ed proceeded to give me directions. i thanked him, put up my umbrella and sashayed back out into the rain, pretending that it didn't take all my effort not to shit my own pants to even walk in that place. as the aroma of cologne cleared my nostrils, i hopped back in my jeep and drove to the correct location. truth be told, at this point, i turned around to drive my independent self back home. 

i plowed on, arrived at the actual dealership (which was only about 5 minutes up the road from this one), and walked in. this time, two black dudes stared at me and one younger white dude waved. i stood there in my nikes and said, 'hi! i was in contact with jeffery about test driving a car?' to that, the one black dude leaped out of his seat and said, 'heeeeyyy! i'm jeffrey! how you doing?! i have the car right out front for you. let's go check it out!' (whew.) as we got in for the test drive, he said, 'do you want to do a city drive, highway, or more like backroads and stuff. my head whipped around and i said, 'jeffrey do i look like someone who wants to drive in a city!?' he bust out laughing and said, 'backroads it is.' we literally did like a loop around a nearby neighborhood and i said, 'okay, we can go back.' he chuckled and stated that he thinks this set the record for shortest test drive. i knew the price on the vehicle was fair, so i wasn't going to haggle (can you imagine that conversation?) with him, but i did want to get a certain amount for my jeep.

when he showed me the print out with the NUMBERS, the trade-in value was lower than i wanted so i said, 'listen, jeff, i need at least another thousand for my jeep. other than that, everything else looks good and i'll sign if you can do that.' (i think i dry heaved at one point into my sleeve, but i said it like i was on fire.) he walked over to his manager and i walked outside to call my husband and make it look like i was discussing things with him. i wasn't, i was discussing the 394 text messages from my children asking me questions about plans, because my husband told them to 'ask their mother.' anyways, jeff came back to the table and told me all was good and to sign 13 documents to seal the deal. i then met with a 'finance advisor' who turned out to be a young lad of age 23. i only know his age because he asked for my birthDATE and when i said 1982, he stated, 'oh! when did you graduate from high school?' i said, '2000.' he then said casually, 'cool, that was the year I WAS BORN.' (cripes) all in all, the whole experience was semi-hilarious and also empowering. as i drove home in my new vehicle wearing my rainbow shirt and nikes, i mentally crossed off 'buy own vehicle independently' on the old bucket list. next time? i'm taking my dad. 

imagination

so mondays are usually rough for a lot of people...including the little people i teach. however, when a little girl came in this morning with tears in her eyes i knew something was definitely more wrong than just a case of the mondays. she made eye contact and scream slash yelled, 'I CAUGHT HER!' i grabbed my chest and yelped back, 'caught whom!?' as one tear rolled down her cheek, she said, 'I CAUGHT MY MOMMY!' now i didn't know exactly what kind of nonsense i was getting myself into on this fine monday morning, but an episode of maury povich played out in my head and i took a huge gulp of coffee before responding. i pulled her aside and then said gently, 'you caught your mommy doing what?'...and then held my breath. she yelped, 'TAKING MY TOOTH FROM UNDER MY PILLOW!' about ten other 7 year old heads whipped around in our direction at this revelation and i wanted to yell, 'CODE RED, CODE RED! DAY RUINER AHEAD!' i then made a hand motion slash facial expression for the other kids to 'mind their business' (they smiled and got back to work.) i said calmly to her, 'so let me get this straight...you lost a tooth last night and put it under your pillow, and then you caught mommy trying to take it?' she was also visibly exhausted, so i could only deduce she spent the entire night like a 7 year old SPY ready to take on the tooth fairy. (probably had binoculars, camouflage, and stuff, too.) 

the tears starting a flowin' when she responded, but stated that yes, she saw mommy taking the tooth. she also went on to tell me that she saw a dollar on the dresser in her mom's room and then when said mother got out of the shower the dollar disappeared. said mother told this unnamed 7 year old to then check under her pillow again and LOW AND BEHOLD there was a dollar there, but she knows it was the dollar from the dresser and she just DOESN'T KNOW WHY HER MOMMY WOULD STEAL HER TOOTH AND PUT A DOLLAR UNDER THERE INSTEAD OF THE TOOTH FAIRY. (oh boy.) so in my mind as she is spouting off the very traumatic (in her mind) events of the morning, i had to do some type of damage control here. this little girl not only still believed in the tooth fairy after 'catching' her mother taking the tooth, she thought her mother was a THIEF and couldn't understand why. (whew!) my wheels were spinning as i took another gulp of coffee and said, 'so sometimes the tooth fairy gets really busy and then mommies have to step in and help her out. your mommy probably didn't want to tell you that she talked to the tooth fairy somehow because she thought you wouldn't believe her. my guess is the tooth fairy reached out through text or something and asked her her help.' (text?) she stopped crying, nodded, and smiled. 

meanwhile, an hour later i get an email from said mother frantically asking me if this unnamed 7 year old is 'okay' because she was SO MAD and UPSET this morning cause she caught her taking her tooth! i let her know that i got an EARFUL, but that i had a solution. i replied, 'send me your phone number and i will text you a message...rename me in your phone as the tooth fairy and show her the text when she gets home!' (she was SO appreciative.) so there i am during my lunch break drafting a message from the tooth fairy to this mother. i was chuckling to myself, as i have 2 degrees and 17 years experience in education...but could anything really have taught me what to 'do' in this situation? (nope.) the truth is, kids want to believe. believing allows their imaginations to soar beyond anything they could ever, well, imagine. a tiny fairy with wings that flies in, takes your tooth and leaves money in return? MAGIC. they probably go on to wonder where this fairy lives, what her house looks like, how many children she gets to visit each night, how she gets into each bedroom, what she actually looks like...and the list goes on. imagination is everything for kids. i know this because i am lucky enough to spend my days with children exploding with creativity, ingenuity, and wild imaginations...everyday. in turn, today as a teacher i transformed into a texting tooth fairy...and i wouldn't trade it for anything. monday morning in first grade for the win. 

backup

so let me start this by saying that most week nights are spent running around to soccer practices, making dinner, and all the other chores that adulting causes you to accumulate. last night we added some extra shit into the mix...literally. i will backtrack by saying every, like, three years or so, our pipes settle about 70 feet out from the house, causing a BACKUP. since we converted our garage into a half bath the backup heads to the lowest point of the house...the downstairs shower, and bathroom. as i sauntered in from a stroll with our dog jack after school, my first born was sprawled out on the couch with a plate of doritos (in her sports bra no less) and said the following, 'the bathroom is making weird sounds.' (cool.) i secretly said a silent prayer, because i knew said backup was imminent due to this. i heard the shower running upstairs and told her to immediately tell her father to turn it OFF. i also simultaneously opened up the pocket door of the downstairs bathroom and alas, there was feces seeping out of the shower drain into the shower, the toilet was full, and there were (in fact) weird sounds. (sick, i know.) i screamed like a teenager at a justin bieber concert. 

my husband came flying down the steps, shirtless and mid-shave, looking VERY disheveled. i said, 'we are backed up again...we need to call someone.' he said (and i quote, for later), 'i am not calling roto rooter, last time they charged me $888 dollars. i'm going to home depot, getting a snake, and doing it myself.' i stared at him. one thing you need to know about him is that he is a lot of things, but HANDY is not one of them. amazing husband, super father, educated, a great teacher...but not so handy. so when he said the aforementioned, bells and whistles started serenading me loudly in my head. (PLEASE call for backup for the backup.) instead i said, 'are you sure?' he said, 'yes, i'm not spending that again.' another thing you need to know is that the man is not CHEAP, but likes to save money. if you have been with me since his extreme couponing days (that really happened)...then you know. he flew out the door like his hair was on fire and the girls and i had a little chuckle, despite the fact that we couldn't use any of the toilets and all showers were off limits. i proceeded to grill some burgers for dinner and we sat down to eat while we waited for him.

as i put a bite up to my mouth, he flew back in the door. he was chalk white, and i knew something was very wrong by the looks of him. before i could say a word, he stated (in all caps), 'YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED!!!' i didn't know if this was like the time he flew over the handlebars of his huffy or like the time he bought a sword at a renaissance fair and bounced our first mortgage check. so i calmly said, 'what.' (a statement, not a question). he went on, 'so i got the snake machine, put it in the back of my jeep, hit the gas out of the parking lot...AND IT SMASHED INTO THE REAR WINDOW OF MY JEEP AND SHATTERED IT TO PIECES.' (holy mary mother of...) the girls and i all made eyes at each other and immediately stood up to assess the damage in the driveway. sure enough, there was sizable HOLE, shattered glass, and a snake machine peeking out the now ruined back window. i yelped, 'it was on wheels right? why didn't you secure it?' he said, 'I DON'T KNOW.' he was shaking his head, but then opened the back door to remove the machine, as glass was showering him with a vengeance. i cleaned up dinner and he started working the snake into the drain. i then said, 'can i help with anything?'

he sighed and said, 'can you take the shop vac out front and clean the glass out of the jeep? (sure thing.) so here i am out front, elbows deep in smashed glass. he's out the backdoor elbows deep in human feces, and i could only think about what our neighbors were thinking. it was now pushing 7:30pm and this was all unfolding like the making of a very real comedy show (or horror film). after cleaning the glass, i went out back to help him with the snake, i was pushing some power button, he was pushing a pedal with his foot...and both of us were questioning every life choice we ever made. we couldn't even make contact for fear that we would either laugh...or cry. the snake from home depot had one speed...SNAIL. by 8pm, we thought we hit something and the drain receded so we thought we were in the clear, it took forever to get the snake back out, but when we did, we ran the water upstairs and GUESS WHAT HAPPENED. (one guess.) WE STARTED WITH THE SHIT SEEPAGE AGAIN. i had been pretty calm up until this point, but something snapped in my head and i went BEEEENANANAS. i went off about all the events of the evening, naming everything mentioned above and he then squeaked in reply, 'I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE SAYING CAUSE I JUST LIVED IT, I DON'T NEED A REMINDER!!!' i revoked, WE ARE TEACHERS NOT PLUMBERS, BUTCH!!!

at this, i went upstairs, cleaned my smelly parts with a washcloth like i was in prison...and climbed into bed. i opened a book and couldn't even concentrate on that. i went in to kiss the girls goodnight and my second born asked if she could POOP IN A BUCKET IN THE BACKYARD LIKE THE OLDEN DAYS. with that, i crawled in the my bed and pulled the covers over my head (better luck tomorrow). in the meantime, he was making an appointment to get his window fixed, calling an actually PLUMBER, taking off work, and making sub plans. anywho, flash forward to tonight. the snake is returned to home depot ($96), we have working toilets and showers ($435), the glass for his rear window is fixed ($556)...for the grand total of $1,087. i'm no mathematician, but that is $199 MORE than that original plan of roto rooter coming to fix it last night. also, we didn't use roto rooter at all, but a local guy that charged half that. so, it would've been $652 CHEAPER if not so handy man had NOT put his hand in the drain. LEST I MENTION, the extreme headache that ALL the other shenanigans caused. the moral of the story is: at the end of the day, shit happens...however, how one chooses to HANDLE that shit will make all the difference in the world. 

period

so let me preface this by saying that when my kids were babies and toddlers, i had a TON of material to write about. not to say our lives are boring at this point, but they are much more...quiet. at the ripe old age of nine and eleven, my children are pretty self sufficient. however, we are now entering into the land of hormones...and hilarious conversations. in january, my first born started her MONTHLY CYCLE as my mother likes to call it. explaining what was happening to her was actually a lot easier than i thought it would be. i gave her the cliff's notes version and kept the lines of communication open by telling her if she had any questions at all she could ask me. my best friend (we will call her fen) helped her to put an app on her phone to help track it. she came to me with a few questions, but nothing crazy. well let's fast forward to THE PRESENT and a few months have passed, we are currently on the same schedule. (look out, butch.) BUT, i digress, yesterday i decided to explain this phenomenon to my second born because she couldn't understand why her sister couldn't swim the last couple of days. THAT is where the hilarity comes in. 

my younger child was splashing around solo in the pool and i casually walked up to her and said, 'i know you have been upset that your sister can't swim, so i want to tell you why.' she looked slightly scared, as if i was going to say she was allergic to water or something and their summer was ruined. still, i went on...'well, she has her period, do you know what that is?' she looked puzzled and said, 'the thing at the end of a SENTENCE?!' (off to a stellar start here.) i laughed and said, 'not that type of period...but when you start to grow up and get older your body starts changing and once a month you bleed.' her eyes literally almost popped right out of her face, 'BLEED FROM WHERE?! where is she BLEEDING FROM?' (dear lord.) i said, 'her vagina.' thank god we were alone in the backyard because she then yelped, 'WHERE IS THE VAGINA?!' (prayers, please.) now listen, i have been pretty open and honest with my kids about their bodies and stuff, but my second born is seriously a different breed. you tell her something and she pretends to listen, but really she is thinking about rainbows and unicorns in that little head of hers. 

i pointed and said, 'DOWN THERE!' she then said (visibly blown mind-enter emoji), 'wait a minute...i know you have a hole to pee from and one to poop from, but you are telling me now that there is another hole down there?! YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THERE ARE THREE HOLES?!' i was sipping water and it literally exploded out of my mouth and partially out of my nose. in that moment i wished it was a white claw or something stronger because i couldn't fathom how telling one kid about this was easy as pie, and then this other one is A WHOLE DIFFERENT STORY. (a whole different book.) in the meantime, my first born came sauntering out in the lawn and her sister stared at her HORRIFIED, like she was a character in a scary film. then the dog trotted out behind her and she said, 'WAIT, DO DOGS GET THEIR PERIOD'S TOO?!" i then had an legitimate outer body experience and somehow went into detail about the uterus and some other technical terms like i was teaching a health class. (holy hell.) she kind of wandered around the next hour biting her nails, and i could actually see the wheels turning and interacting with the rainbows and unicorns i talked about earlier. (at this point, i did crack a white claw.) 

my husband then was puttering around the backyard putting up lights and stuff, pretending not to listen as she rattled on about how she, 'cannot believe this'...and asking other random stuff like if she will have to wear a DIAPER when this happens to her. but about a month ago, the dog got into a box of pads upstairs (he chews everything) and came running downstairs with one stuck to his HEAD. (that really happened.) i said, 'remember when jack had that thing stuck to his head a while ago? that was a pad, you have to wear those, not diapers'. at this point i slowly turned around as butch emerged from the shed....wearing NOISE CANCELING HEADPHONES. he gave me a thumbs up... and the three of us died laughing. he kept them on and wanted nothing to do with our conversation. (i don't blame him, it was a doozy.) so as we enter these years of unchartered waters, i really don't know what awaits us. i've heard teenage girls can be scary, so that might be fun wave to ride. although i've settled into motherhood over the last ten years, it continues to throw me curveballs. this curveball was in the form of a white claw worthy conversation in a chapter that i will never forget. period.

january

so it's a snowy morning in maryland and my second born is currently eating baby carrots with a side of fruit loops for breakfast. as i sit here and sip my coffee, i can't believe we are almost a year (a whole year) into this pandemic, people. since last march, we (as a whole) have questioned so many things about what is going on, but i have realized that much of it is out of our control. once you realize a lot of it is out of your control, you tend to relax a little...but it did make me realize that there are some things i am in control of...that i have (admittedly) let get a little OUT of control. starting with my health. as i near the 40 year old mark (what the hell?), i realize my body is changing in crazy ways. for example, i can't eat a cheeseburger and fries five days a week and abstain from growing a second set of ass cheeks overnight (who knew?) also, i can't wash it down with a half a box of wine or 6 pack of beer and feel like a normal human anymore. i will say this...7 years ago i made a commitment to my health, but about two years ago, i had a very (very) difficult school year. a school year with students and situations that i hadn't experienced in my entire career (it was super rough). that summer i used food and wine to feel better, but it backfired because it snowballed into feeling a lot worse for many months to come. 

right before march last year, i looked in the mirror (literally and figuratively) and realized i needed to make some changes...but then suddenly school closed, everything was shut down, i couldn't even see my family, and life as i knew it went on hold. we stayed home for 3 months and as we tried to wrap our brains around what was going on...we also ate and drank like we were on a well-stocked deserted island. then summer came and things continued to be weird, so same thing. then, the holidays (enough said)...now here we are. almost february! i decided to join the other million people that choose to make changes on january 1st. the whole30 (do the google if you don't know) seemed to be a good option for me because it entailed eating real food and cutting all the things i struggle with cutting...sugar, carbs, dairy, and god's sweet nectar (wine). for 30 days. the first couple days of january were ROUGH. along with not sleeping well (at ALL), i felt like total garbage. i almost gave up a handful of times, but took it one day at a time. my husband decided to cut out alcohol as well and followed along with MOST of the food choices. he would throw a carb (or five) in there every once in a while, however. 

the hardest part of the whole thing was meal planning and making sure everything was compliant. however...the good old inter web has about 23,948 recipes (give or take) which did make it slightly easier. after week 2 i was hooked because i was consistently sleeping, i started running or incorporating exercise into my routine again (hello endorphins)...and in general i didn't feel like a huge pile of crap. a lot of the anxiety i was having about ALL THE THINGS also was put at bay (this was a huge plus). i will say we didn't see anyone, like, the whole month...which wasn't too hard cause jack frost is nipping at our chins (and other extremities) and also, a pandemic. i'm writing this to say that if you are on the fence about making a change, DO IT. your body and mental health will be better for it. BUT, i will ALSO make this clear...i am not here to judge AT ALL. if food and alcohol are getting you through at this point, you do you boo! as february blows in with a blizzard, i will start reincorporating things like CHEESE (man i miss cheese) back into my routine. however, this past month definitely has created a good diving board for a healthier year. i'm feel 97% better than i did in december (both mentally and physically), i've restored a healthier relationship with both food and alcohol...and i also lost 10 pounds. if you are already on this journey...keep going! however, if you you need a kick in the pants...here it is. throwing fist pounds and good vibes your way, people.

fifteen

so i debated writing about this because it is a touchy (TOUCHY) subject, but IT IS WHAT IT IS...so here goes. my mind has been literally blown over the backlash toward teachers the past few months. (blown.) anyone that knows me, knows that i'm pretty outspoken about most things. however, this whole teacher bashing business has been CRAZY lately and made me quiet (until now). first of all...this is not what ANY of us signed up for. ANY HUMAN BEING right now...not just teachers. not any child right now either. this is a time of turmoil and NOT understanding what the hell is going on. this is a time of discontent. let me start by stating that i would give a LIMB to be back in the classroom teaching like normal right now (like a whole arm, or leg). most teachers would do the same. it makes me sad to think my incoming kindergarteners won't get the same experience as the ones i've taught before. we don't want to teach your children through a screen...we want to interact with them face to face and make meaningful and honest connections. my own children are DESPERATE to be back in the classroom with their teachers (they talk about it daily). other teachers in other states don't have to endure a screen...but have masks and 6 feet restrictions, which i don't really understand how that is going to work either (throwing a hunger game salute right at you). 

BUT...here is the bottom line. WE (teachers) did not make these final decisions. we didn't make the current curriculum. we (as a whole) didn't decide how and when children should return to school. honestly, we found out when the rest of the public found out. we always find out major decisions when all of you find out! we had very little say in major decisions. we are stressing, we are scared, we are anxious...like all of you! DESPITE THIS...many of us sucked it up, rolled with the punches, and accepted the new normal. even though it killed a part of us to know our whole world would be turned upside down and we would have to change everything we have known about teaching to date...we accepted it! period. after we accepted it with grace (and mild gripes) we began to build our virtual, google, and bitmoji classrooms (along with the help of coffee and tears). coming from an OLD SCHOOL pencil and paper teacher (me)...we leaned on EACH OTHER for support as many other people berated us. about a week ago i was in a really bad head space about going back to school virtually (like, bad). then i spoke with a former retired principal for 2 hours, she gave me so much insight. shortly after, i had to go to my school to pick up some supplies and ran into my teammates, one of which who got excited to show me a picture of her virtual classroom space at home. they inspired me to pick myself up and DO BETTER. this is what happened over the next few days. this space.

yesterday we had a virtual pre-launch day with our parents and kids for this next school year. i was nervous, i was scared, and i didn't know how parents were going to accept this new fate. do you know what happened? they listened, they trusted, they cared, and understood. they were KIND when my microphone didn't work and CALM when the video i was going to play didn't have sound. moreover, i saw my incoming kindergartners smiling on the other end of the video call. when i unmuted them, their giggles and "hiiiii teacher!!!" gave me peace. one yelled, 'I CANNOT WAIT TO BE A PART OF THIS CLASS!' at one point. so, no, this is not what i signed up for year 15 of teaching...but i will try my hardest to keep these kids engaged and keep the parents calm and kind. i have been lucky enough to have been around amazing educators my ENTIRE career and the thing the general public doesn't see is the behind the scenes of how committed they are to children and learning. during this crazy time, it is no different. actually...it's in OVERDRIVE. i had a parent call me today with a question and after the conversation she praised me and praised teachers and said "thank you" sincerely. DO BETTER, people. teachers everywhere are bending over backward to take care of your kids the best they can. at the end of the day...be kind. also, to those of you that are negative nellies, i'll give you some advice i give my kindergarteners...if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. throwing hunger games salutes to parents and teachers everywhere this school year...you got this. 

solicitor

so let me start by saying where we live, this time of year it is hot. before you get all righteous on me and state 'IT'S SUMMER', i'm not talking summertime hot...i'm talking satan came up from the depths of hell and waved his spirit fingers full of fire all over the sky and soil. it's so hot that we have what i call a reverse hibernation thing happening here at our house...no one wants to be outside. now i will state that around 9am each day i try to get out for a little jog around the neighborhood. during these jaunts, i literally see jesus no less then 3 times, dry heave a coupla times, almost puke or pass out, and wouldn't be surprised if someone found me on the side of the road dying of dehydration (it's that hot). so this is me describing a normal morning the past 2 weeks, so imagine how blazing it is by the afternoon. i don't know what the good lord is baking up there...but it's done. i usually try to get my kids outside in the afternoon for some fresh air, but their whining trumps the weather. i've gotten creative on the inside with puzzles, paint by number, painting every room in the entire house (that happened), but yesterday we decided to do something simple. so in the heat of the afternoon, we cozied up on the couch and turned on a home improvement show on the old HGTV. because they have been helping me with things around the house, they are really into it. (which is cool, cause so am i.) so as we were watching in air conditioning, we heard a knock at the door. 

now although we don't get any pop-in visitors during this pandemic, we do get a TON of packages. i usually peek out to see who or what it is, but the dog was barking like hell...so i just went over and opened the door. instinctively, i looked down for a package, but there was no package. i then looked up and what should meet my eye, six feet away, but a masked man dressed in a black hat, a black shirt, black shorts, and black socks and shoes. he was like walking solar panel wearing reeboks and carrying a clipboard. he said, 'hello!' i said, 'hi.' (in my mind, i was like shiiiiiiiit a solicitor.) we get these guys in our neighborhood all the time...they could be selling anything from water softeners to windmills. (sidebar: i usually don't answer the door, cause i have issues saying no face to face to them.) so anyway, i was trapped. i stepped out onto the porch (cause the cold air was escaping the house) and looked over at the bay window where our dog was going ape shit. she is usually mild mannered and old, but when strangers or the UPS guy come and we are home...she goes nuts. she looked like cujo and was acting like she wanted to break through the glass and attack this man's genitals. he looked at me and said with a straight face, 'your dog is SO adorable!' i almost bust out laughing but stated, 'she doesn't like solicitors.' (either do i, but i left that out.)

he then introduced himself as 'jim' and said, 'what's your name!?' i told him. he then goes, 'oh my wordddd! that's my mom's name!' (yeah right.) then, 'what do you do for a living?' i said, 'i'm a teacher.' he stated, 'my mom was a teacher tooooo! she taught high school math.' (i teach kindergarten and dislike math...we don't have that much in common, jim.) next? 'what does your husband do?' i replied, 'he teaches middle school and is teaching a summer class upstairs right now.' he exclaimed, 'i taught middle school for 3 years! clearly i don't anymore!' (clearly.) he yelped, 'how long have you been with your husband?!' i said, '20 years.' he made some type of distorted face, pointed to his wedding ring and said, 'i've been with my wife for 2 years...what's the secret?!' i didn't miss a beat and said, 'a lot of alcohol, jim. lots and lots of alcohol.' well this sent jim into hysterics. he doubled over, was wheezing (probably partly from the heat), and thought this statement was a real KNEE SLAPPER (he was actually slapping his knee). i happened to glance back over at the bay window, and although the dog calmed down...both kids were peeking out from behind the curtain. at his point in the summer...they both look like they have escaped from a hippie commune in the 70s. they were wearing long homemade tye dye shirts, their long hair was a mess all over their heads...and they looked equal parts scared and confused about who i was talking to on the porch. jim saw me looking, glanced over...just as they let the curtains flutter back into place like horror movie. he yelped, 'awww they are SO cute!' even though they they legitimately looked like they were being held captive in their own home. 

so to be clear, he thinks our cujo-crazed dog is adorable, my feral and confused-looking children are cute, he knows my entire life story basically...AND I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS MAN IS TRYING TO SELL ME. he must've seen the annoyance cross my face, cause besides the aforementioned fact, i was standing there sweating in the heat like a pregnant nun during confession. i knew i wasn't in any physical danger, this dude looked like if he got in a fight with my mailbox, the mailbox might win. he then laugh slash yelled, 'so i'm just here to give you a FREE ESTIMATE so that i can hook you up with new WINDOWS!' (oh, hell.) i would've given anything to stop the pain at this point, so i said, 'sure! sign me up!' he put me on speakerphone with his supervisor (named ron), who got all my information...as he is standing there with sweat squirting out of every pore. long story long, the 'estimator expert' (that's what he called him) is supposed to show up today at 5pm. later, my husband came out of the guest room from teaching his class and said, 'why was the dog barking like hell?' i told him the story about solicitor jim. he put both hands on his head and said, 'how do you get in these situations?!' (i don't know.) he went on, 'we are NOT getting new windows!' (i know.) so sometime today i have to call and cancel this appointment, which i will ultimately feel bad about. so basically i'm telling you if a walking solar panel wearing reeboks shows up at your door with a clipboard in the middle of a pandemic and heatwave...do NOT answer it. you might get more than you bargained for. stay inside and watch HGTV...it's much safer. lesson learned.