snowday

alright, so i'm off of work...and i have a lot of time on my hands. this one is for my fellow foodie friends. today we were supposed to get snow...the weathermen in maryland predicted it, turns out the weathermen are ass clowns. i wish i could be wrong 90% of the time at my job and not get fired. (what idiots.) anyway, we got a little bit of snow...but none of it actually stuck, so really we have nothing. (booooo.) although i hate the cold, i really do love the snow. i love how quiet it gets, i love getting 'snowed in,' i love how pretty it makes everything...and that all being said, i'm pretty pissed off at the weatherman wackjob who said that we would have some on the ground and we have nothing. 

i was awoken this morning at 7:23am by ella's little voice across the hallway that said, "mommmmmeeeeee i poooooooppppeddddd, commmmeee change meeeeeee." i rolled over, looked at my clock, and then immediately looked out the window like a little kid to see if there was any white stuff. there wasn't. (rats!) i changed ella and we discussed the importance of going on the potty (instead of in a diaper) for the 239th time, and then i went over to carrie's room. she also had crapped her pants. changing two shitty diapers by 7:30am was definitely not on my to do list for the day. however, motherhood called...so i had to answer. (ahh, the joys.) warren was indeed still scratching his ballsack in bed at this time...and when i told him both kids crapped their pants upon waking up he said, "what is wrong with them!?" (next time i'll save the poop for you, pal.)

we came downstairs and i made breakfast. i don't know about any of you, but my two year old eats like a bird. i'm not kidding you, i think she survives on goldfish crackers...and air. the doctor said that it's "totally normal" and i said, "for who?!" she said, "she won't starve...she'll eat when she's hungry." (umm, ok then...like when she's in kindergarten? or what.) carrie went back down for a morning nap and i decided to go for a run since there was no snow. penelope and i headed out and i got about a mile from the house and it started snowing. (snowing hard.) at one point, the dog stopped and looked up at me like i was an asshole for taking her out in this kind of weather. i cursed the ass clown weathermen again, and headed back home.

we went out to lunch, and then to the grocery store. (to get our milk, bread, and eggs...because it was french toast weather, friends!) the store was packed. we got two carts (awesome.) and butch and i were standing in front of the deli. there was a lady there probably just a little older than me, and she had a 3 year old with her. ella yelled, "WHO DAT DIRL??" (i explained that like us, she also wanted some lunch meat and cheese.) the mother oooh'd and ahhh'd at ella and carrie...and then we started talking. she said she had an 8 month old at home and she tried to go to the store yesterday with both of them but it was, "the hardest thing she ever had to do." (preaching to the choir sister.) we laughed a bit and then a random older man came up behind her little girl and said, "sorry sweetheart, your shoes are on the wrong feet!!!" sure enough her purple sequined boots were mixed up. the mother looked totally embarrassed. (um, don't be.) i said, "at least they are 2 of the same pair, right?!" she smiled at me and shook her head. i was thinking...it's okay lady, i was cleaning up two shitty diapers before i had time to put in my contacts or use the bathroom myself. (i know your pain.)

when we got home, both girls went down for a nap. i had about 34 things on my to do list for this afternoon...but i took a nap instead. (don't judge me.) seriously though, all of that stuff that you overburden yourself with will get done...eventually. i've learned that it's not worth it to stress over it. i used to stress about it, all the time...now, not so much. there are more important things in this world than whether or not the ceiling fans are cleaned or if the hardwood floors are shiny. have a nap or a glass of wine instead...you'll be better for it, i promise. anyway, when i woke up i decided it was an excellent day to make beer and cheese soup for dinner. it's as good as it sounds...i mean, who can go wrong with beer and/or cheese? (nobody.) my uncle makes this soup often and it. is. bangin. i included the recipe for you foodies that want to try it...if you are like me, you are always looking for a new and easy recipe. also, i love soup in the winter. (comfort food favorite.)

this soup is not "light" by any means...so if you are planning on dropping "those last 10 pounds" for your new years resolution, you better get busy and make it in the next couple of days, and then after you eat it, change your resolution to "those last 15 pounds." if you were wondering what butch was doing with all of his time off today? he was making a video for our christmas files. (nerd.) i decided to include it, because cause it is one part ridiculous and one part cute...watch at your own risk. i am neither wearing makeup...or a brassiere. (yes!)

my saturday night consists of beer & cheese soup, bath and bedtime stories with the kids, a movie rental, and red wine...and although i love my children dearly, i surely hope i don't wake up to a deuce double whammy at dawn again tomorrow.

christmas

there are toys and shit all over my house. (i mean all over.) every room has some little reminder of christmas in it, ella is very good at dispersing her goods to each nook and cranny of our humble abode...like a goddamn two year old tornado. i wish i knew the best way to organize all of it, but it's kinda overwhelming right now. i almost feel like taking all of the toys out on the lawn and only bringing back in the ones that she actually plays with. quite honestly, she'd probably be happy playing with a water bottle or a...shoe. did you ever notice this if you have kids? i mean, she opened all of her presents and basically had more fun with the boxes than the actual toys. it's ludicrous. my brothers also generously bought toys r us out of every LOUD toy imaginable. it's been a real treat in the early morning (after drinking a few holiday beverages the night before) listening to her ball vacuum go off like gunshots in my brain. i can't wait 'til they have children so i can return the favor. payback's a bastard...and it comes in the form of drum sets and 'annoy me' elmos.

that being said, christmas was a whole hell of alotta fun this year. two nights before christmas, i loaded up our suv with gifts and drove them over to our neighbors house, where i wrapped everything, drank wine, and laughed. (our husbands were both sleeping. of course.) christmas eve we went to church with my uncle and his family. although i do believe in the big guy in the sky, we rarely attend church. as someone said, "anyone that goes to church with a toddler deserves a medal..." this is true. ella is usually pretty well behaved in public, but as we walked into those arched doors of that catholic church i thought, "let the games begin." also, neither kid had crapped that day, so i knew a shitstorm could happen at any moment. crammed pews and crap do not mix. we also had to go a half an hour early...because everyone and their brother (literally) wants to say whaddup to jesus on christmas.

it was standing room only when we got there, and my uncle had gotten there an hour early with his family to "save us seats"...like we were going to a concert or sporting event, but god was the show. i am not catholic, so i am not used to what i call their "worship workout". stand up, sit down, kneel, sing, stand on your head, balance the bible on your knee, shake someone's hand, bless yourself, kneel, say a prayer, repeat...jesus take the wheel, seriously. at my hometown church, you show up, sing a few songs, say a prayer, and go home. (sidebar: my dad usually closes his eyes and sleeps during the service and no one seems to care.) let's just say our services are very different. ella did pretty well, but did start with antics about halfway through, and we started playing pass the toddler. i think everyone in our pew held her at least once. she also broke wind on both my and butch's lap, and then laughed her head off and said, "i tooted on you!!!" loudly. (not funny, kid.)

there are also two kinds of people at church...the kind that enjoy the children amongst the crowd and the kind that don't. the family behind us was the first type...they were smiling and waving at our kids the whole time. laughing at ella when she did a leg bend in her tights and put her shoe in the air and said, "do you like my shoe?!" (they seemed like nice people.) the group in front of us, that included a father on his blackberry and a mother playing solitaire on her iphone the whole service, were the latter. even though they had three boys of their own, they seemed like the kind of people that believed that children should be seen and not heard. moreover, the dad seemed like a total douchebag. he got annoyed when he sat down and ella's hand was wrapped around "his" pew (the pew in front of us) and he leaned back into her chubby paw. he gave me a dirty look...and if wasn't in the house of the lord, i would've given him backhand to his ballsack. (whatta jerk.) anyway, we made it through the service, shit free and forgiven of all of our sins. (amen.)

when we got home, we put the kids to bed and got to play santa for the first time. this is the first year that ella "gets" the whole santa shebang...and it was so much fun. actually, playing santa tops my list of one of the greatest parenting privileges. (who knew!?) afterwards, we had skype christmas with butch's family in colorado and then awaited to arrival of my family from pennsyltucky. four of my family members came...and they brought three cars. my mom arrived first and brought in a casserole dish of turkey breast cooked in celery and onions. she had to bring turkey (even though my uncle was cooking beef wellington) because my dad insists on having turkey at every holiday. (she also admitted that she didn't even know what beef wellington was so she had to google it.) as she placed the casserole dish down in my kitchen, i saw she didn't have the right amount of foil to cover it, so she pieced together what she had left...with blue painters tape. she also said that she almost had to use duct tape, but thank god she found the other tape. (i think either are ridiculous options, but i wasn't surprised by any of it.)

next to arrive was my dad, who pulled his big ass F1-50 black truck (complete with cab)...right onto my front lawn. (this is always where he parks when he visits, and he thinks this is totally normal...i'd be willing to bet my neighbors do not agree.) he and butch started unloading everything out of  my mom's car and kept setting off the car alarm. my mom kept jumping up whenever she heard it and hitting the button, explaining that something was broken and the alarm just goes off randomly. (that would be something i would get fixed pronto...but hey, that's just me?!)  my brothers who were "right behind" my mom and dad the whole drive still hadn't arrived like a half hour later, so i called them. one blamed the other one that they took a wrong turn...there was yelling, but they stated they would be there in 15 minutes. (excellent.) we all headed over to my uncle's house for dinner and all of the food was spectacular...spectacular and rich. the only green vegetable that was served was brussel sprouts...but even they were cooked in bacon. we all ate...and then went into a christmas coma. my uncle said he couldn't figure out why everyone was laying around acting like the family dog was just hit by a car. i could actually feel my ass getting fatter and my arteries clogging as my food digested...i'm guessing the rest of my family felt the same way. all in all the day was pretty great...one of the best christmas's i've had, really.

the last couple of days...we hung around, drank, ate more food, and enjoyed each other's company. (and antics) the last of my family members left this morning. i immediately laced up my sneakers and went for a run...sweating out wine and wellington the whole way. when i got back, fen stopped by and said she had no idea how i went running, because she was having trouble just standing up and speaking in full sentences. she also puked in her mouth and swallowed it during our conversation...oh, and she was on the way to the dentist. (curious how that turned out...) butch went to barnes and noble this afternoon? (i've never seen him read a book...guessing he just wanted quiet.) he also shaved a mustache onto his mug today, just for fun i guess. four more days off of work for the both of us, shit could get crazy. i hope everyone had an enjoyable christmas, i certainly enjoyed mine. although, i'm already plotting what toys i can buy both of my brother's future children. i'm open to any and all suggestions...the louder the better.

vacation

so today is the first day of my christmas "vacation." something they don't tell you in the parenting books is that after you have children, you will never have a true vacation again. kids are awesome, but there is nothing relaxing about them. they are a lot of goddamn work, actually. the words vacation and children are opposites...i know this to be true. last night, butch and i got home from work and both cracked celebritory beers...bottles clanking for the start of our long holiday break. meanwhile, ella was running around the house doing laps, laughing her head off like a maniac for no apparent reason. carrie was in the exersaucer staring at her, wondering what gene pool her sister actually came from. (the looks that my 6 month old gives my crazy 2 year old are priceless.) we fed the kids, gave them baths, and laid them away in their mangers for the night. (or so we thought..)

at about 9pm, we were on the couch about a few deep and ready to dive into the red wine, and over the monitor we heard carrie squawking...when she went into the ugly cry, i went upstairs and scooped her up. snot was all over her face and i realized at that moment that she was getting sick. (joy.) i brought her downstairs and plopped her on the couch. butch came out of the bathroom and said..."what the...!? why is she down here..." i said, "i think she's getting sick. she's snotty." he replied, "well this is a great start to the break, huh?" yes, it is just awesome. after about another hour, i took her upstairs and decided that i was just going to go to bed. i laid down and at about 11pm, i heard ella losing her mind. (expletives were flying around in my head, i promise.) i went over to console her, and same snotty deal as the other one. (2 for 2.) although carrie slept through the night with minimal interruptions, ella was up and down a multitude of times. both of us looked like the walking dead, trying to comfort her...at one point we made eye contact and just laughed out loud. the zombie apocolypse played out right here in our house last night, how fitting.

when i saw 3am on the clock, i decided to go over to ella's room (she was playing/crying in our bed...still) and lay on the floor. as i grabbed my pillow and walked out of the room, i heard her ask butch if she could have a cookie. a cookie at 3am. (a goddamn cookie.) i turned around and said, "did she just ask for a...." he just said, "yes." (dear lord.) i decided to solicit the help of curious george at about 5am, when i put the dvd (ella calls them deebeedeebees) in the laptop in our bed, i hoped she would lay and watch. she did, for about an hour and then decided it was time to go downstairs. so to be clear, on our first day of "vacation" we were up actually earlier than if we went to work. (parenthood problems.) as i was sitting here writing this, butch was making breakfast and set off the smoke alarm. as the loud beeping was echoing through the house, i didn't even bat an eye. carrie started laughing as she saw her father flailing a dishtowel over his head to wave the smoke away, and ella put her hands over her ears and was yelling "what's that noise, people!" fa la la la la la...what. the. hell. is going on in this house.

with smoke alarms and two sick kids, day one seems to be as promising as the first night of "vacation" was...i can't wait to see what the next 11 days have in store for us. my family enters the scene again next week, just adding to the plethora of shenanigans. (i'll be sure to have the boilo properly labeled and removed from the fridge...so it does not end up in ella's sippy cup again.) to those of you without children that are on christmas vacation...enjoy it. to those of you with children on christmas "vacation"...enjoy it. (although my house is crazy, it is nothing compared to the week i had at work that included a gaggle of five year olds hopped up on sugar and santa. holy cats...i think i went through a whole bottle of advil.)

i'm currently looking at this scene. yes, ella is wearing butch's shoes (she's understandably exhausted) and mickey mouse is serenading us from the television. (but hey, better than listening to a smoke alarm first thing in the morning.) butch jumped into the living room and sing songed..."it's the most wonderful tiiiiiimeee of the yearrrrr!," just as carrie sneezed and blew pears and snot all over me. things can only get better (or more ridiculous) from here, christmas vacation commence...godspeed to all those involved.

kids

my day started when i got a call from the office that there was a parent that had a "concern" and wanted to speak with me. turns out that on friday, one of my students cut off another one of my student's EYELASHES. (yes, eyelashes.) i vaguely knew about this, because after work on friday..i got a call from a coworker who left me a message to let me know that the music teacher came to see her to tell her one of my students was missing his eyelashes. (jesus christ.) she didn't go into detail on the message, but let's just say i pretty much forgot about it over the weekend with everything else i had going on. therefore, today, i was somewhat blindsided when i had to deal with this first thing on a rainy monday morning.

before you get all "how could you as the teacher not see something like this happen?!" on me, let me explain something to you: when you are teacher, especially of the kindergarten variety...you take on many (many) roles during the day. i don't just teach kids to read, write, and do 'rithmatic. i am a nurse, a comedian, a part time mom, a counselor, a referee, a ring leader...and sometimes a clown. and so, when this child was giving another child an eyelash haircut...i could've been doing many different things; such as but not limited to, putting on a bandaid, telling a joke, giving out a hug, teaching letter sounds, tying a shoe or wiping a nose. this all being said, i still felt horrible that this happened under my watch...and even more horrible that i didn't know anything about it until friday evening after school.

as i mother, i can see how you would be concerned when a child's scissors are in direct contact with your child's eyeballs. this is not good. however, when i was called down to the office and got a gander of that little boy batting his eyelids sans eyelashes at me...i had to bite firmly down on my lip to avoid a shit storm of laughter from escaping my mouth. (he looks absolutely ridiculous.) when the culprit was asked why he did it, he said, "because i wanted to see what he would look like without eyelashes!!" (he was pretty pumped about his answer.) i explained that we can't just go around all willy nilly using scissors to cut things because we want to see what things will look like. (the principal was biting her lip at this point.) kids do this stuff not because they are malicious...they are just naturally curious and don't have much regard for consequences. (his mother was acting like it was a 5 year old hate crime. relax, lady.) furthermore, the other little boy admitted that he, too, wanted see what he would look like without eyelashes as well...so he just let the other boy do it. (well, kid, you look absolutely ridiculous.) anyway, this was the start of my day...explaining to children why we don't cut each other's eyelashes off, and explaining to the parent why it wasn't a hate crime. (what were you doing at 8am?)

prior to this all happening, in the (very) early morning hours...we said goodbye to my inlaws who were in town for the past couple of days. a couple of things happened during their time at our place (other than my kids getting some major quality time with them..) first off, on thursday when my mother in law was babysitting the the girls, she accidentally filled ella's sippy cup with...boilo. (if you just gasped, i assure you that my reaction was probably 100x more dramatic than yours.) boilo is moonshine. it has high amounts of high test booze in it. that being said, it is not for 2 year old consumption. (ever.) most of our boilo supply is in our kegerator, but there was one 1/2 gallon in the fridge. it is labeled ever so hill billy deluxe style with duct tape. (see below.) it was in the fridge sideways, so she didn't see the deluxe duct tape label. ella took one sip, knew something was terribly wrong and yelled, "THROW IT OUTTTT!!!!!!!" so my mother in law did dump it down the drain and then filled up the sippy cup...with more boilo. ella refused to drink it. (THANK GOD.)

we didn't realize something was up until i came home from work and she said, "ella refused to drink any of her juice today!?" this is very strange...because my child is a (diluted) juice junky. she drinks it all day long. i looked over an hour later, saw the cloudy concoction in her cup and knew what had happened. (holy shit.) i thought my mother in law was going to either puke or pass out when i told her that it wasn't apple juice in ella's cup...it was a little bit of grandpa's cough medicine. praise jesus that my child does not have a taste for boilo at her wee age, or we all coulda been at the ER with a lot of 'splanin to do. needless to say, all of the boilo is out of the fridge now and we have a story to tell ella on her 21st birthday. (i'm convinced this would've only happened in my house. sheesh.)

along with the boilo incident, both of my children have been taking turns waking up in the middle of the night the entire time my inlaws were here. ella was sick, so snot was her enemy...making her unable to breathe well while lying down and carrie decided that after a month of not eating during the night, that she wanted to go back to having a little midnight snackaroo. (could be a growth spurt, i know.) so i did not get much rest over the past 5 days and i am also riding the red railroad. (i have one foot on the border of crazyville.) as i sat down to write about my day...ella stumbled into the room with a bucket on her head. (earlier i received a text from the sitter that she was walking around with a basket on her head.) so this may be her new fun obsession...weird things as hats. (awesomeeeee!)

                                               

                    

i guess the moral of this long story is this...i love (and have always loved) children. whether it be my own two goofballs at home, or the children i spend my school days with...i appreciate each and everyone one of them. i love their sense of wonder and how much fun they are...even if it means they are cutting off each other's eyelashes or a wearing an assortment of weird hats. also, kids are so goddamn hysterical. a mother of two grown children told me to start writing down the funny stuff that comes out of my first born's mouth in a notebook, to read as she gets older. i haven't started doing it yet, but i need to...because at least once a day i am cracking up at something she has said. likewise, a former kindergarten teacher told me to do the same thing with my kids at school...and i have started doing that on a daily basis. and so my days with children like today (that started with an eyelash incident and ended with a bucket for a hat) seem very long, but the years that have passed seem so incredibly short. the only thing we can do is hold on for dear life...and keep laughing, because (unfortunately) this rollercoaster is not slowing down for anyone.

trifecta

ella is sick, it's just about my time of the month, and my inlaws are coming into town tomorrow...it's pretty much the makings of the perfect storm. don't get me wrong, just because my inlaws are part of this trouble trifecta, does not mean that i dislike them...because i don't. they are good people. however, it just adds stress of me having to make sure everything is clean and everything is "prepared" for their arrival. (my mother in law is one of the cleanest people i know and even though she says she "doesn't care" what the house looks like...i know better.) half the time it looks like toys 'r' us threw up all over the place, but i at least want it to be vacuumed and dusted. also, monday morning at about 5am i heard screams come from ella's room...this child loves sleep and i knew damn well she was not "waking up for the day"...i could tell from her cries of annoyance that she was sick. (damnit.) i got her out of bed and brought her over to our bed, snot and all. she was boiling hot and extra irritated. butch rolled over and stared at her, and me. i said, "well it looks like one of us will have to stay home today." i knew damn well that he didn't feel like going to work because he was at the steelers/ravens game with fen the night before. he said, "well i guess i can take off..." (i know you want to, so shut up.) he went online and got a substitute and ella was begging me to lay with her. why is it that every other minute in her days, she wants her dad....but when she's sick, she wants me? it's such a kick in the vagina.

anyway, i decided to take carrie to the sitter anyway, because i didn't know what kind of tricks ella had up her sleeve for butch and i surely didn't want to hear about how "rough" his day was. and so, at 6:15am i woke carrie up, strapped her smiling head into the carseat and took her to the sitter. i forgot how quiet a car ride can be without a 2 year old in the backseat. "what's that mommy?!" and "green means go, red means stop" and "yo tarrie, how are you today?!" she talks a lot, and i love her to death, but i'm just not a talker in the morning. (ever.) i made it to work and at about mid morning, i texted butch to see how ella was doing. the conversation went as follows:

and then 20 minutes later:

i knew when i got home he was going to be a mess. and he was. i came in and ella was playing,  he was on the couch and looked like he just got home from the vietnam war. (the only thing that was missing was the bloody fatigues.) i said, "so how was your day?" (i knew damn well how it was...) "well, she puked, she cried, she was a mess...and i feel terrible." (you look terrible.) i laughed a little bit and said, now what do you think makes things so different for women than men? why do you think this was so hard for you? "we have different DNA, trish...it's just not the same..." (bahaha.) i said, "did she nap at all?" yeah...from like 12-2:40" (that's half the day in my book...) i said, "well that's good!" he said, "yeah, but i had to do the stuff on your list, too." i did leave him a list...and i only do this because in the past i've gotten irritated when stuff i think should be done, never would get done. this is what was on the list. 1. unload and reload dishwasher (maybe a 10 minute job) 2. fold laundry in dryer (maybe another 10 minutes) 3. empty trashcans upstairs. (5 minutes tops.) so there is a half hour extra...give or take. what did he do with other 2 hours during her nap time is beyond me. (i thought it best if i didn't ask.)

i made dinner, bathed both kids, and put them to bed at 7:01. at 7:02 i was in the car heading to the liquor store to replenish my box of wine. at 7:07 i returned home, and my first glass poured out of it's glorious spout by by 7:10. (if you think i'm joking, i assure i am not.) don't judge me, it was needed. warren wanted a glass, too, (i mean, sheesh, he just got back from 'nam)  and we ended up finding national lampoons christmas vacation on television. (one of the best movies ever, in my book.) around 9pm, we went to bed. (party animals.) anyway, i decided to take off of work today because ella was still running a fever when we went to bed. when she woke up, however, her fever was magically gone. (praise the lord...because fevers can turn kids into mini hannibal lectors.) i made breakfast, we played, i cleaned, took both of them to the doctor, did laundry, got out their winter clothes, fed them lunch and then they went down for a nap. (i love nap time.) however, they didn't sleep long and were up by 2pm. (blah.) during that hour that they were both asleep, i made myself a yummy lunch and had a glass of wine. (what the hell.) when they woke up we went for a jog, to the nearby beach, and played some more. i cooked dinner and we ate by 5:15. i'd be willing to bet that a lot of people with children have had days that look similar to this. it's pure craziness. and if you let it, it will make you crazy.

so all this has happened in the past two days, and then my inlaws will enter the scene tomorrow evening. i think it's a safe bet that the elapsed time between the time the kids go to bed tonight, and the time my first glass of wine is poured will be much shorter than last night. tomorrow night even faster...maybe i'll just strap the damn box to my back for good measure. i hope the soldier from 'nam is in full warrior gear (making sure his man parts are extra protected) the next couple of days and i can manage to keep the crazy at bay. the perfect storm is a brewin' folks...hopefully none of you are around when it hits. category five for sure.

holidays

alright, so the holidays are here. dear sweet baby jesus...the holidays. my entire family has been in and out of my house at some point over the past week. the only one left is my 19 year old brother (daisy) who will be heading back to college tonight. it was nice not having to travel up to pennsylvania with our dog and pony show (and not to mention all of the CRAP that we have to take with us), but no worries...my family brought the dog and pony show to us. i cleaned the shit out of my house last saturday for their arrival...and i don't know how you feel about the whole cleaning thing, but that day i said to butch, "i'm so glad my house is clean...so that my family can shit it all up again!!" i always say that i'm not going to clean before they come, just after. (but i do it to myself every time.) and so last sunday my mom arrived, wearing her rose colored glasses and a smile. my mother and i are the same in a lot of ways, but we are also very different. i think it's safe to say that i've gotten 89 percent of my genes from my father. anyway, she is very positive! and perky! a lot of the time. her glass is always half full. (of wine.) she skipped through the door and i kinda had to brace myself for her all day/everyday happy attitude.

monday i had off of work, so i went out to run errands while she was here...it's so nice to run errands without a toddler on my leg and a baby on my hip. i even had time to get my hair cut. it actually felt like a little vacation. about ten minutes into my get away into the real world...she called me. "ummm....i am taking the girls for a walk and i got a flat tire on the jogging stroller!!! (she was laughing hysterically...) what do i do?!!?" (my lord.) "well mother, there is a pump on the porch, so head back to the house and blow it up if you can..." i could hear ella yelling, "what you doing nanny?!"(she doesn't know what she's doing, ella, remain calm.) . i hung up and a few hours later i called her back around lunch time to see if she wanted anything from subway. she replied, "tricia! i did not come to maryland to get fat!!!" (i was going to get you a turkey sub, not a double whopper...mother.) "so you aren't going to eat lunch!?" she said, "i had my tea, i'll be good until dinner." (tea?!) that's the other thing about my mother...she is about 115 pounds soaking wet. (just one of my ass cheeks probably weighs in at 115.) while she was here she was on some special hot tea potion kick that "melts belly fat" away...if i had only tea for lunch i would probably kill someone. anyway, i headed home shortly after this and we were incident free for the rest of the day.

that night, i made dinner and fen called to say that she would be over for a visit. she came through the door with her patented bottle of wine tucked under her arm around 7, we talked and laughed and i went to bed around 9...i left her and my mother downstairs. around midnight, the two of them were cackling loudly like little school girls and both were hopped up on wine. they were laughing their heads off (and woke me up. look out.)...i then stumbled down the steps, looked into the living room and scolded my own mother.."you have to get up in 6 hours with your grandchildren!! go to bed!!" fen gets scared when i yell and she ran out the front door. my mother hopped onto the futon (with all of her clothes on) and covered herself with a blanket. the next day fen texted me to see if she was still in trouble. my mom called me at work to see if she "ruined thanksgiving"...dear lord no mother, get a grip. i do believe she may be going through "the change" and is highly emotional at all times. that doesn't work well in my house, because i say exactly what i'm thinking (often using lotsa sarcasm) and even though i don't mean to hurt her feelings, i sometimes do. (sorry, mom.) she was home with the kids all day on tuesday and i called at lunch she said (and i quote), "I COULD DO THIS EVERYDAY OF MY LIFE!! I LOVE IT!" however, when i got home a few hours later, she laced up her sneakers and squawked, "i need a break...i'm going for a walk." (welcome to my world, debbie.)

wednesday i began cooking for the big thanksgiving feast (enter many pounds of butter) and that night we went out to the bar for drinks, while daisy stayed home with the kids. both carrie and ella have been going to bed around 7 every night and sleeping until 7. (it's been glorious.) and so, when i put them to bed, i figured the trend would continue. (i was sadly mistaken.) i swear that children have a sixth sense about stuff like this...we made no mention of us leaving after they went to bed, but somehow they just knew. around 1am, i received a call from daisy and i could hear carrie crying. he said, "she is awake and i think she pooped." (REALLY!? aaaaaHHHH.) and so, i went home and left the kids (i mean my parents) at the bar. upon inspection when i got home, carrie had a poop explosion up her back. (she has pooped maybe two times in her whole life in the middle of the night. so of course she would do it when my little brother was babysitting!?) i asked keith why he didn't change her...he's said, "i've never done that in my life and i don't plan on doing it ever." (awesome babysitting skills, bro.)

thursday and friday went off without a hitch. my family (minus my tea drinking mother) managed to eat and drink almost everything in the house. saturday morning butch went to get the tree and ella started harassing me in the kitchen. the conversation went something like this: "i want tookie." me: "no honey it's too early for a cookie.." ella: "i want tookie." me:"no, but maybe after lunch you can have one." ella: "i want tookie." me: "not happening, kid." ella: "i want tookie." me: "no." alright...so you see where this is going. same question, answers got shorter and shorter until i was just doing the dishes ignoring her...which escalated to "I WANT TOOKIE!!!!" 8 (EIGHT, i counted) more times...and then she proceeded to SLAP ME IN THE ASS. (oh my god, my toddler just slapped me in the ass.) when i turned around, she must've seen the crazy look in my eye, because she took off running. (oh no you didn't, sister.) as i was chasing her around the corner, butch was coming through the door with a christmas tree quoting clark griswold (loudly)..."LITTLE FULL, LOTTA SAP!!" carrie (who has been held and had direct attention for an entire week) was in the other room making what we call "the most annoying sound in the world" (from the movie dumb and dumber)...it's not a cry, it's not a whine...it's a high pitched noise that demands attention, and sounds like nails on a blackboard. (it was at that point that i realized, had there been a video camera in our house...we would be rich.)

and so now we arrive back at sunday, the holiday week has (finally) come to a close. i am more than exhausted and also feel like i need to check myself into the betty ford clinic after the mass amounts of holiday booze i consumed. butch leaves tomorrow to head to the mountains of maryland for a school "outdoor ed" trip. (he will be camping in the woods with a bunch of middle school students, for the whole week.) he wants me to believe that this will not be a "vacation" for him, but i know better. (i know what goes on in our house, fool...camping with a bunch of teenagers is a cake walk compared to this.) between work, the most annoying sound in the world, my ass slapping 2 year old,  and the fact that warren won't be here to help...i will most likely lose my mind at some point this week. stay tuned.

ladies

alright, so with my motor skills back in order...i'll elaborate on my girls night out on saturday. to begin, last friday night was the first official night that carrie slept through the night. i can't be the only parent who has had a full blown panic attack when their child does this for the first time. i went into her room in the morning...to see if she was still breathing. you go so many nights of waking up to a squawking baby, that when they don't wake up (for the first time in 150 nights) you are seriously concerned. i actually held my breath when i opened her bedroom door, because i was afraid of what i was going to find. when i saw her smiling face, and realized she made it through the whole night without interrupting my rest, i'm going to be honest...i loved her a little bit more. (sleep is a big deal, people.) anyway, i woke up fully rested on saturday...and felt pretty spectacular.

i also woke up and it kinda felt like christmas morning for another reason as well...i knew that it was going to be my "turn" to go out with the girls that evening. butch and i have to divide and conquer these days when it comes to weekend expeditions. babysitters are expensive, and even though we really just need a warm body in the house for a few hours after they are in bed...it's easier for one of us to just stay home. it's not ideal, but we know that this phase will pass and we'll be on to the next goofy parenting endeavour. truth is, we don't go out that much anymore...so when we do get "out" we really (really) enjoy it. anyway, fen invited us over for dinner that evening (with the kids) so after doing 237 loads of laundry, running, cleaning the house, washing my ass, and taking care of everything else that had to be done around the house...we went over to her humble abode. another one of our girlfriends was coming in from philadelphia, so we hung out and waited for her arrival. she came, we all ate dinner. (and sidebar...i made dinner. fen invited us over (for dinner), and i ended up making the whole pan of chicken divan. this is typical fen behavior.) at about 7pm i escorted butch and my offspring back to the house, helped him bathe them and put them to bed. gleefully i skipped out the door at about 8pm, with my go to black dress, side pony intact, and stars in my eyes.

when i arrived back to fen's (she lives around the corner), i grabbed another beer (i had about 2 by that point) and got crackalackin' on the nights mission. (hammertime.) the original plan was to go "downtown" to go out, which includes cab rides and such...so i wanted to pace myself at that point. while we were all standing around the island in her kitchen, our guest mentioned that she wanted to go to a local bar (in our town) and we all decided that would be a better option. it was at that point that i decided (at about 9pm) that i was going to double fist both red wine and beer. (one in each hand.) forget the pace car...i wanted to be the race car. i started getting wound up right before we went out, but i still had all of my motor skills intact and knew what was going on. the picture below was taken before going out. i (sorta) remember the ride to the bar, and (sorta) remember walking in there...sorta. i also need to mention that fen's roommate, a (male) navy corpsman decided to go out with us as well. (in hind sight, he probably regrets this decision.)

so we arrive at the bar and all order a round...on my credit card. (which would end up being the only round..) the bar we went to had a band, but they were on a break. this is when things start getting a little fuzzy. apparently, it was at this point that i started taking shots off of the waitress's trays and slamming them down my gullet...without paying for them. i do not do shots anymore...i left that behind with my twenties. liquor makes me wackout blackout drunk and i hate it. plus, it also gives me a wicked hangover as well...i have two children that wake up at the ass crack of dawn, i don't need to willingly give myself a wicked hangover. so anyway, back to the shots that i don't remember...it was shortly after this that i told the people that i was with that it was "time to go." (probably with some expletives thrown in there) they hadn't even finished their first drink yet and i was demanding that we all leave. this picture was taken shortly before our departure. (awesome.)

fen was behind the wheel (in her new car), and she knows from experience that when i hit the point of no return, it's time to exit the premises...or a shit show is going to ensue. (we left.) they all decided to go to wawa to get some (drunk food) subs, and technically it is on the way home...so they stopped. fen and our philly friend went into wawa and the corpsman and i were in the backseat of her car waiting for them to come out. it was at this point that i got the spins...and shit got serious. (i thought i might die.) instead, i opened the back door of her car...and fully unloaded no less than 3 gallons of beer, a 1/2 a box of wine, and chicken divan all over that parking lot. because of the wine and the chunks of chicken, it looked like a scene out of a horror movie. i also looked like a character from a horror movie as well....makeup smeared, tears running down my face, hair plastered to my cheek...it was ugly. the ladies skipped out of wawa and fen started freaking out when she saw the vomit. "THIS IS MY NEW CAR! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU! and...OH MY GOD! DO YOU EVEN CHEW YOUR FOOD!? THERE ARE WHOLE CHUNKS OF CHICKEN IN THERE." (dear god.) our other friend unwrapped her (stolen) sub (that was not her order) and began chowing down. apparently there was some sort of dressing on the sub and when this girl "eats" food (using the term loosely) while intoxicated, she owns the food. she owned (mutilated) that sub and shit was everywhere. dressing, lettuce, meat, cheese, you name it...was running down her arms and all over her face.

the navy corpsman was in the backseat just staring at all of this shit going on. here we are...three "grown" women, (it was only like 10:30, mind you) acting as if we are on some f'd up taping of idiots gone wild...and he's in the middle of it all. he wanted to go "out" with us and it ended up being for (half) a beer and a trip to wawa...including (but not limited to) puke, screaming, and a theft. (happy veterans day, buddy.) i don't really remember getting dropped off at home...however, i woke up at 4am, in (only) a tee shirt, no undergarments, my contacts still in my eyeballs, mascara smeared on my face, and puke still in my hair. i stumbled to the mirror and realized that i looked like a goddamn rape victim. i washed my face, took out my contacts, put on some godforsaken pants and walked downstairs to get a drink. i checked for my phone, keys, and credit cards and had that "thank god" moment when i saw all of them there...strewn all over the floor in front of the front door next to my boots and my black dress. (wow.)  it took a few days for all of the pieces of the puzzle to fit together. (and it's still not complete.) i looked at my online banking statement today and i had a tab of over $30 bucks at the bar...and i couldn't figure out how because even if i bought everyone a round, we were all drinking just beer. i texted the two ladies (if you can call them that) that i was out with and asked how this was possible...one replied, "hell if i know? maybe we paid extra for the roofies??" (i laughed my head off at that one.) fen said, "along with the shots you stole, you also bought everyone a round of red headed sluts!" (great decision.)

so long story short...i can be certain about a few things after this weekend. first off, my decision to leave behind shots in my twenties was a good one, i just need to make sure i follow through and not actually buy and/or steal them. secondly, i will be very surprised if if fen's roommate ever takes me seriously again after seeing me lose my shit all over the parking lot of wawa. (moreover, i think it's safe to say i will not be eating chicken divan anytime soon.) finally, if you go out for ladies night as a married mother of two....and you wake up looking like a rape victim, you probably can't handle going out in the first place. lesson learned.