decisions

so it's no secret that my husband has a couponing addiction. although it has waxed and waned over the years, it's always in the forefront of his mind when he looking up deals or is shopping. he is not a cheap guy, but loves to save money whenever possible. (unless he's at the bar, then he'll buy every person a round. twice.) anyways, it was his "turn" last weekend (we take turns every other weekend) to go grocery shopping and he came home with some discounted meat. usually if we don't eat this meat within 2 or 3 days, it goes in to the freezer for later use. lo and behold, it never went into the freezer (more about that later) and we left for a little trip to pennsyltucky to visit with my family for the resurrection of christ (for those of you non religious people, that's easter.) so after a few days of working out our waistline and our liver in small town america, we headed back yesterday to the land of crabcakes and water views. within an hour of getting home, we got a call from a close friend that said they were heading to the ER with their youngest...cause the middle child hit him in the face with a golf club (accidentally) during his back swing. (oh boy.) i went along for the ride until she could meet her husband, and talked about the easter bunny to this little dude as his face swelled up like he was stung by a swarm of bees (welcome back to maryland!). mine had their own car shenanigans.

after that ordeal, we decided to go to the gym. after a workout, we headed home and he said he would (and i quote) "make dinner." i didn't think anything of it when my husband said there was some "pork" left over from last week and he was going to make some fried rice with it. although i do most of the cooking in our household, he does do some...and he's made this rice before so i said have at it. i went upstairs to take a shower and when i came back down, dinner was ready. we all sat down to eat and ella had her regular dinner of edamame (i know, so weird) and carrie was eating ramen noodles like a college student (butch loves that it's 10 cents a pack.) i don't know what goes on in your house, but the kids typically don't eat same thing as us (thank god in this case.) so fast forward, the kids are in bed, we are watching tv and my stomach starts to hurt. earlier in the evening, ella complained about a stomach ache and almost didn't make it to the bathroom, alarming me that there was a "little poop accident" in her underwear (dear lord.) pork for dinner...poop for dessert. so anyway, her pain went away, but mine intensified throughout the course of the evening, to the point where i was doubled over like i was in labor. i didn't feel nauseous, or like i had to shit my pants...it just hurt. it felt like the hulk reached in and was grabbing my stomach (the actual organ) and squeezing it as hard as he could.

i came downstairs on the couch and after about 2 hours of this pain (holy hell)...i went to the bathroom and unleashed what can only be described as a poisonous pork surprise. i seriously haven't seen that much vomit since senior week circa 2000, so it wasn't pleasant. i panicked as i was puking, because i knew if i stayed in that position over the toilet...i was also going to shit my pants. so here i am at almost 34 years old making life decisions about whether or not i should shit my pants...or puke on the floor. the trashcan was out of reach at this point, so i made a game time decision that i would sit on the toilet and puke on the floor if need be. thank god it was 3am and no one was around, because there were sounds coming out of my body that no human should make. my children surely would've thought i was dying in that moment and my husband would not be able to take me seriously ever again. after a solid 23 minutes of this, i stumbled back out to the couch like courtney love after a bad bender and looked like a straight up drug addict. my hair was all over my head, mascara running down my face, i was breathing heavy...and asking god to take me home. about a half hour later and a short respite, same thing again. and again. pleased to report i never did shit my pants, kudos to me for keeping it somewhat together.

this morning, i woke up (using that loosely) and walked out to the kitchen for some water. i hadn't been around any person that was sick, so started to investigate the pork situation, since it was the last thing that i ate. as i dug through the trash (again, like a drug addict) i found the pork container. the sell by date was march 20th, and he bought it on march 21st, on super sale for $3.91. to be clear, it was two pounds of bone in pork for $3.91...and we ate it on march 28th. he later told me he "didn't look at the date" and "it smelled fine." (and it did taste good?) so i gave him hell about it and he goes, "i'm not taking the blame for this! i didn't get sick and i ate the same thing!" one thing you need to know about this...butch has what can only be described as an iron gut. i have seen this kid in high school take crab and shrimp alfredo out of his car on a 90 degree day FROM THE NIGHT BEFORE and eat it with no adverse effects. he also eats sushi that should've been devoured long before he decides to eat it. so although there is a 1% chance that this could be some "bug" i picked up from somewhere else...i refuse to believe it. best thing is, this is our first day without kids on our spring break (we have spring break as teachers this week, and they have school. yahtzee!), and it has been spent in bed. i'm doing everything to rally so that i can attend paint nite tonight with some coworkers, something i've been looking forward to for a awhile. moreover, if the rest of spring break is spent making life decisions about whether or not to shit my pants...i want a goddamn do over. furthermore, it's my turn to the do the grocery shopping this week...hoping to slip in a surprise on the list for warren. like rat poison.

jeep

so last night i was standing in the kitchen after working all day, taking the kids to dance, making dinner, and doing dishes (whew.) at that point, i was preparing to pack lunches for the next day...and it's no secret that this is one of my most loathed motherly chores. i don't know why it is such a pain in the lady parts, but it is. i called out to ella and asked, "what do you want for lunch tomorrow?!" (i always ask, but it is usually the same old thing.) she skipped into where i was and said thoughtfully, "so i was thinking that instead of your normal peanut butter and jelly sandwich you make me...maybe you could take a cheese stick, wrap it up with a piece of ham, and then add a toothpick to it so it doesn't fall apart??" (what the hell.) i stared at her and must've made a face, cause she started laughing hysterically. then i put my hand on my hip and said, "so who at school has THAT for lunch?" she told me. all i could think was "pinterest is ruining the lives of the peanut butter and jelly moms of america." (for real.) because of this i am now expected to make an appetizer like lunch for my child with fancy toothpicks and everything?! i looked at ella and said, "well first of all i don't have any ham and second of all maybe next week." she kind of snickered and skipped out of the room. (she knows better.) screw you, pinterest.

so after i put the kids to bed that night, i was supposed to go out for an adult beverage with my friend fen and her roommate. (let's call her fillian for anonymity.) the special occasion? warm weather. (like we need an excuse.) so when i got home that day, i left the top down on my jeep, cause i had planned on picking them up (that comes into play later.) in a shocking (but not really) twist of events, fen was leaving her job in DC and the one and only route she could take to come home...was completely shut down. it started with "i'm in traffic" texts, to a full blown pissed off texting rant...and then an irate phone call. she was freaking out and after about an hour, we realized she wouldn't be back to our town until much later...and we would have to do our warm weather celebration another night. in the meantime, i put on yoga pants and stretched out on the couch for that approximate one hour i have between my kid's bedtime and my own bedtime. butch was watching borhat and laughing his ass off. i convinced him to change it to house of cards and started to get into the show. an hour later, i sat up and realized i didn't put the top back on the jeep. (shit.) so right before bed, i threw on a sweatshirt and went out there to take care of the situation.

putting the top down was easy. a coupla clips, a coupla straps...and two coworkers who helped me. i went out there to do the reverse of that and i couldn't get the clips to clip. i struggled and cursed myself for a while and then went in to beckon warren. he was laying there in boxer shorts and a t-shirt with his laptop on his stomach. after sighing loudly and putting on slippers, he came out to help me. we tried like hell for a while and couldn't get the top to budge. it was like pulled tight across the top and we couldn't get the clips to reach. after about 10 minutes he said, "i'm going to put on some pants! i'm freezing! i'm in boxer shorts chrissake!" (i hope our neighbors were looking.) so he came back out (wearing pants) and we continued to try to get this thing back on. i started to mentally flip out, because i knew the temperatures were supposed to dip even further...and i had to DRIVE TO WORK THE NEXT MORNING. he went back in and we googled, only to go back out for another 15 minutes to try again (nothing.) he said, "so worse case scenario you have to drive to work with the top down tomorrow." i said, "worse case scenario!? i'm gonna freeze my tits off! not to mention that i'm going to look like a complete dick with my top down in 40 degree weather!" (he laughed.) i went from feeling cool to feeling like a total tool...in 30 degrees flat.

so anyway, after about 40 minutes of wrestling with this thing, we just decided to go up to bed. i messaged a friend of mine on the facebook and asked her if she ever had this problem. she wrote back and said her friend had the same issue that i did when the temperatures dip down. the top has a hard time "relaxing" and going back into place when it's cold. therefore, my procrastination led to my problem. (crap.) she told me to put it in the garage and run the heat. (i don't have a garage.) at that point i kind knew that i would be driving down the highway in the morning sans jeep top and looking like a total idiot all the while freezing my ass off. i'm glad i had the night to mentally prepare for that. (my kids didn't...which you will see.) luckily their daycare is literally right down the street, so i knew they wouldn't be cold for long. i told them what happened and ella stared at me with the same smirk she had about the pinterest lunch she wanted me to prepare. we are the same person in so many ways, that sometimes i can actually see exactly what she is thinking even when she isn't saying anything. meanwhile, my second born was still talking about how "cool" it was that the top was down and i was thinking, "well you better get ready to to go from cool to cold, sister...cause that's where we are headed." i texted fen and told her my predicament. she told me i'm the worst mother ever (thanks for that.)  then i snapped this picture this morning to send to her. (enjoy.)

so after i dropped off the kids, the ride into work was brutal. the heat in the jeep is legit, but it was no match for the 40 degree temperature outside and cruising along at 80mph down a four lane highway on my 40 minute commute. people were definitely staring and i saw several double takes (what the helllll is she doing?!...). i waved and smiled at some of them as they were shaking their head. i was wearing a scarf, a vest...and a sign on my forehead that said dumbass. the day before i was just telling my husband how much i enjoy the "jeep wave" and i mentioned that i think all people with the same cars should wave at each other. it's a very friendly custom and makes you feel like you belong to some elite club. (i love it!) on that note, he turned to me before he walked out the door this morning and said, "my guess is that you are going to get ZERO jeep waves this morning. ZERO." all i could do was laugh...he was probably right. if i saw some asshole driving down the road in freezing temps in a jeep with the top down, i would think they were a total idiot. (this morning, i was that idiot.) as i walked out of work into 80 degree temps, i was seriously hoping that the top would be "relaxed" when i went home so that i could close it for tomorrow morning (i also went to the dealership for my buddy zach to show me how to do it properly. f google.) someone once said that procrastination leads to piss poor performance...in this case it led to a jeep top that wouldn't close and looking real stupid. (par for the course.) just another day in paradise, people. bring on spring.

vomit

there is something very humbling about having another human being vomit on you or even in your general vicinity. as a kindergarten teacher, it's pretty much an occupational hazard. however, when you are a mother, it's just a not so pretty part of the gig. last friday i was loving life and had what can be described as the 'friday high'. i think most people are pretty excited when they make it to the end of the week and friday is usually a fantastic day to be alive. so i'm all carpe'ing the shit out of diem and then got the dreaded phone call from the school nurse that stated this on my voicemail..."i have ella in the office here, she ate lunch and then proceeded to vomit all over the place. it was a substantial amount. you need to come pick her up." (a substantial amount.) i hit the "end" button and my friday high turned into friday fright. the wind was let out of my sails and i quickly had to find coverage for my class. when i got to her school to pick her up, the nurse brought her out and she was pale...she smiled at me and looked so small for some reason. we went home and she proceeded to puke for the rest of the afternoon...sometimes making it in the bucket, sometimes not. sometimes making it in the toilet, sometimes not. sometimes making it in my cupped hands held in front of her, sometimes not. i'm glad i changed into sweats that day, because my work clothes didn't stand a chance.

to add insult to injury, she was supposed to go to a daddy slash daughter dance that night at her school. she looked me in the eye after one of her more violent puking jags and said, "so can i still go to the dance?" i explained that not only would she spread germs around to all her friends, her dad wouldn't appreciate her barfing on his shoes while doing the cupid shuffle. she laughed...but then the tears came. there isn't much worse than seeing your own child disappointed. she was so, SO upset and it seriously broke my soul. i had a moment in the kitchen and then went back out and said, "you and daddy can go on a special date another time when you are feeling better." she said, "yeah...but it won't be the same." (it felt like someone socked me in the stomach.) this is one of the things the parenting books can't really prepare you for...a disappointed kid that is. there was nothing really that i could do to make that situation better. she was sick and just had to deal with being disappointed about missing the dance...while i watched. (it was a tough one...i almost did a shot of whiskey in the afternoon to cope.) butch was equally upset when he came home and realized that they couldn't go. that night i crawled into bed with ella at bedtime until she fell asleep and hoped that we would have a quiet night after a day of a stomach bug that just wouldn't quit. (and that no one else would get it...)

luckily, she woke up the next morning feeling better and just ate a bunch of bland food all weekend. so monday night, we all thought we escaped the bug and at dinner time, butch said he was "so hungry" and came out to the table with a massive plate of spaghetti, sauce a plenty, and three large pieces of sausage. he scarfed it down, as he usually does. (more about that later.) now that night we had a chance of impending snow, so we thought we were definitely going to be off the next day. when it snows an inch in maryland, they shut down the whole damn state. i had a coupla glasses of wine, he had some guiness and about midnight i went to bed. at about 1:30am i was awoken by what can only be described as noises that no human being should ever be making...coming from the bathroom. i was all disoriented, but sat straight up as my husband stumbled out of the bathroom and moaned at me, "i'm sick." when he went back in for an encore...i took my pillow and headed downstairs to the couch. when butch pukes it's not an act...it's an event. he is super loud and dramatic about it and i actually had to go back upstairs and tell him to calm the hell down, because he was going to wake up the kids. (he glared at me.) lo and behold, we were punk'd my mother nature and there was no snow the next morning. i got up a little fuzzy and got the kids dressed, ready for school, and fed as he laid in the bed moaning.

part of me did feel bad for him, because i witnessed what ella went through and it wasn't pretty. however, i wondered how long this was going to go on. i knew ella's was less than 24 hours and assumed his was going to be the same. (nope.) so tuesday i took the kids to irish dance after school, made dinner, packed lunches for the next day, bathed them, put them to bed....and he didn't move. (like a dead person in the bed.) wednesday he went back to work, and then proceeded to come home and go back to bed..while i did all the nightly duties again. i started to get pissed at this point and said, "mannnn ella took this bug like a trooper compared to you! this is really bad huh?" i may have mentioned that even at 5 years old, women are stronger than men when they are sick. (he actually agreed.) then he said, "you know how i ate all that spaghetti and sausage that night? well it just sat in my stomach like a rock...and then flew out all over the place. it was saucy and disgusting." (omg.) he went on..."i really don't know how you were ever pregnant. i was in so much pain and there was nothing i could do and my stomach hurt so bad. is that what it was like when you were pregnant? i could never do it." i wanted to mention after allllll the pain i had to muster up the energy to fire a PERSON out of my lady parts...but didn't go there. also, if i mentioned him firing person out of his penis in that moment he probably would've passed out.

so flash forward to this friday and i had a great time at school with my kindergarteners celebrating valentine's day. we did lots of crafts and activities having to do with the holiday and it is always refreshing to discuss love with 5 year olds. they keep it simple and real and say the best stuff. for example, loving someone means "sharing the broom with each other during clean up time at the end of the day."(yep.)  as i was driving home, my good friend who runs the daycare where the kids go called me and said, "carrie has been super whiny and dramatic today...i think she is sick." (NOT AGAINNNNNN.) so i called the doctor immediately and took her. turns out it was just a cold. (thank god.) so to be clear, last friday i was nursing a barfing kid during happy hour...and this friday i was at the pediatricians. (if that sounds like fun, parenting might be for you.) after we got home, i heard my 3 year old screaming slash crying and running toward me..."aaaAAAAGHHH! there is SUMPIN in the BATHFOOMmmm!!!" (she was losing her mind.) i figured it was spider or something, but judging from her reaction, i thought it might be an extra from the walking dead or something equally as scary. i scooped her up, took her to the bathroom, and told her to show me what was scaring her (see below.) so to be clear, she was terrified of...a TOOLBOX. my toddler was scared of a toolbox. (par for the course.) this season and all this sickness can be over any day now. until then, i will think warm thoughts, sip my wine...and continually pray for no more puke. party on.

jonas

when people said i would have unconditional love for my children, i think they were referring to the fact that i would spend approximately 27 minutes bundling them up for outside...only to have to them come back in 4 minutes later saying they are too cold. (that happened this morning.) the little one also announced after i had her all dressed, "my butt hurts." i said, "your butt hurts?" she said, "take all this off and look at my butt!!! it hurts!!!" (what the hell?) that unconditional love comes into play, because you really want to lose your shit in that moment...but you don't. so we are on like day four of this snowpocolypse and i've noticed that this storm has allowed people to flaunt their drinking habits without judgement. everyone's all like, "it's snowing, so vodka for breakfast is acceptable." we all applaud each other for it as well..it's kinda funny. "you having beer for lunch?!...yep! me too!" i have no idea when we will be able to go back to school, as our road has not even been touched one time by a plow. (not once.) this extra time at home has allowed me to do something i've been dreading for a very long time...and that is clean out the 'nursery' and all the baby crap that i've been hanging on to. yesterday i poured a bloody mary and got busy...but let me tell you it wasn't easy.

the newborn and baby stage with both kids went by like a blur and now that we don't need bottles and bibs anymore, it's time to say goodbye to them. never did i ever think that i would shed a tear while packing up these things, but that's exactly what i did. my stomach was in knots and butch came in at one point and said, "um, are you alright?" i said, "yes!" (no.) this comes after this past week at dance when ella came out of the studio and proudly yelled, "MOMMY! GUESS WHAT?!" i said what! she yelped, "i HAVE A LOOSE TOOTH!" it felt like someone socked me in my stomach. things they don't tell you in the parenting book number 232: a loose tooth will make you feel sad. as a kindergarten teacher, i am a connoisseur of teeth. kids are constantly losing them, talking about losing them, showing me with a big smile when they lose them...it's a weekly occurrence. one time i had to write a heartfelt letter to the toothfairy, because a kid's tooth got lost in the mix of papers on my desk and we couldn't find it! luckily, she accepted my letter and left some loot. (the parent sent me a funny email thanking me as well.) anyways, now that it's my own kid with the wiggly tooth it's just another right of passage/growing up type of thing that caught me off guard. today? a loose tooth. tomorrow? college bound. it all happens too fast.

packing up the bottles and bibs was bittersweet...but the bloody mary did help some. next weekend my parents are bringing down carrie's "big girl bed" and we are putting both girls together in a room. better check back with me next saturday when that happens...because i might be in full motherhood meltdown mode. i have been enjoying the past couple of days being trapped with my kids in the house...and i do mean that whole heartedly. (sorta.) i have to say that my favorite moment from the past coupla days was when carrie was dropping a deuce in the bathroom, and ella sauntered in and sprayed lysol. it accidentally went into carrie's eyes so she was sitting on the toilet screaming with her eyes shut. when i realized what happened i asked ella why she did it. her reply? SHE STINKS! i said, "i don't care if she stinks, you can't spray your sister with LYSOL!" (things i thought i would never say as a parent.) so who knows how many more days will be spent home from school...but i promise you i am already a little stir crazy. there is only so much cleaning and laundry one can do before losing their mind...let's not forget the fact that this storm has not been good for the waistline or the liver, either. i'm about to bundle my kids up for the third time today, so that they can go out and play for another 4 minute jag. with that in mind, i raise my mimosa to winter storm jonas...and also how cute my littlest one looks in snowpants. salud!

stories

i've always loved new years eve...but not for the extravagant parties. hell, i don't think i've gone out on new years eve in at least 6 years or more due to my children entering this world. truth be told, i'll actually be lucky to make it to midnight...maybe mixing in a glass of bubbly with my boxed wine. (wiiiiild!) however, as each year that passes it is like the ending of a story. each passing month of that year is like a chapter in that book. there are some chapters i'd like to reread each delicious detail, some i'd like to skim through, and some i would skip all together. as i get older, i have realized that writing this story each year is up to me...and unfortunately each year flies by faster than the next. i know damn well i'm gonna wake up and be 80 and wonder what the hell happened. my dad always warned me about the quickness of this life and i thought he was lying. now that i have my own children, i know this to be true. moreover, you create your own story with each decision that you make. how you act and react to things that are beyond your control are crucial to your own happiness, i've learned this throughout the years. this past year has been filled with great memories and experiences, but the beginning of a new year is an opportunity to start fresh, to start the story all over again so to speak.

i learn a lot about life from the children that i teach and also the two little people that inhibit my house. children know how to to truly live and they are unaffected by the burdens of adulthood. they wear their feelings (good or bad) on their sleeve. they tell people how they really feel and mean it. they soak up each experience and grow from it. as adults, we sometimes miss the lesson in an experience and move along too quickly. sometimes we are too worried about the past or future that we forget to live in the present. whether it be learning how to blow a bubble with gum or buttoning their pants independently for the first time...kids embrace that stuff and own it. i often hear at my house..."i did it all by myself!" ringing out from the other room. kids in my classroom get excited when they write a letter the correct way for the first time. they celebrate each (seeming minuscule) milestone and adults should do that more often. we need to celebrate the little things more and worry less. i have met some amazing people this past year and i am always intrigued by their stories. in this super short life, it's important to really get to know the people that are helping you write the chapters of your own book. i love when people are raw and real and aren't afraid to show you who they really are.

so as another year passes, there are so many lessons that i've learned. my children continue to teach me what life is all about and i hope i am teaching them a thing or two. parenting is one hell of a ride and half the time i feel like i don't know what the hell i am doing. however, my kids seem to be turning out all right...and most importantly, they are happy. all i really want for them in this life is for them to be happy. actually, that's what i want for most of the people in my life...for them to just be happy. with that in mind, get rid of the bullshit that bogs you down, do what makes you happy at the end of the day, and start writing the chapters of your own story with fervor. whether this past year was the best year of your life, or the worst year of your life...you are in control of what you write for yourself this upcoming year. (that, my friends, is a powerful thing!) i am forever thankful for the people who have come in and out of my life this past year and have taught me lessons...especially the little people. i am also thankful for simple things like coffee, wine, and running that have helped to keep me balanced. most importantly, i am thankful that i have made it through another year and lived to tell the tale. when you look back on your book when you are 80 years old...may your stories be part of a best seller. moreover, make this next year your best year yet.

flu

oh hey guys. how's everybody doin? just wanted to tell you that christmas came early in my house. one of my wishes for the holiday is that i would have an entire day over winter break to simply spend in bed (i think this is a valid request from most mothers around the world, right?). it hasn't happened since prekids and i thought how glorious it would be to watch movies, read a book, and nap. so coincidentally i'm on day two of doing this bed ridden thing, because this christmas miracle came to me in the form of the...FLU (careful what you wish for, huh?). that's right folks. exactly one week before christmas, i came down with the flu (like the legit one.) thursday when i woke up, i had a little bit of a cough and my chest felt heavy, but i didn't think much about it. i haven't been on antibiotics in the past 10 years, rarely get sick, and have never (ever) taken a sick day off in that time for myself (for my children, yes...lots of times). so off i skipped to work, to the gym (4 miles on the treadmill i might add), and then to fen's for girls night. to my dismay, at approximately 3:32am friday morning, i was abruptly awoken by severe body aches and pains. it felt like muhammad ali himself snuck into my bedroom and boxed the shit out of my body while i was sleeping. then came the chills. i was shaking all over the place and could not get warm no matter what i did. i tossed and turned and at at 5:30am when the alarm went off, i truly still believed i could go to work.

i wandered into the bathroom, slightly bewildered, and started straightening my hair. as i stood there i got a little lookie loo at myself in the mirror and thought, "holy hell...i look like i'm getting ready for a casting call for the walking dead." i was physically shaking when butch got out of the shower and he said, "what the hell is wrong with you!?" i said, "i'm so cold!" he said, "well you are wearing a tank top and underwear right now so that might be part of the problem!" i yelped back that i always wear this garb in the morning and don't typically look like i have parkinson's disease while i am doing my hair! (normal morning convos). so halfway through the straightening process i aborted mission...cause i thought i was going to pass out. i emailed my principal, put in for a sub, and went back to bed. in the meantime, my husband fed the kids breakfast and hopped out the door. therefore, i had to muster up some motherhood superpowers in order to get them dressed and to school. i did (somehow). as i crawled back under the covers, i laid there thinking about how i should be so excited about staying in bed all day...and really i just wanted to be at work! i had so many fun things planned for friday lessons and was disappointed i didn't get to do them. as the day went on, i tried to get out of bed several times, but it didn't go well (stumbling and shit). finally, after searching the goog for flu symptoms and seeing that i had a multitude of them, i decided to head to the minute clinic.

driving was a little dicey and of course i showed up right as "patricia" (the PA) was heading out to lunch. i sat there waiting, sweating profusely....and plotting patricia's death. i don't have a primary care physician, mainly cause in the 10 years i've lived here i have never gotten legit sick. (i know, i still need one.) i knew, though, that there was probably a flu swab, like a strep swab, so she would be able to tell me if i had it or not. i described my symptoms and she said, "do you have a shirt on under your sweatshirt?" (come again?) i said yes. then she said, "can you remove your sweatshirt, cause it will make the exam easier?" i said sure...but warned patricia that i was not wearing a bra. she played it off, but i think boobs akimbo was more than she was bargaining for in that visit. anyways, i removed my hoodie, hit myself nearly in the eye with my breast, and she began to take my blood pressure. i had popped a bunch of advil before i went, just so i didn't get the shakes from the fever, but when she took my temp it was still 102. (whew). she asked what i did for a living, if i had kids, and all the other pleasantry questions one can ask while staring at your braless wonder of a body. she took the swab from my nasal cavity (very uncomfortable, i might add) and then set the timer. she stated that she had never had someone come into the clinic with the flu while she worked there, so she really didn't think i had it. (ok then). the timer beeped and she swung around...and gasped. then immediately put on a mask. (wtf!? are medical professionals supposed to gasp?) so i said, "well i guess i have it." she shook her head yes.

afterwards, patricia read me the riot act about being in bed for 7-10 days, taking off work next week...and canceling any and all christmas plans (easy, PATTY!) i didn't know whether to laugh or cry in that moment, but when she passed me a mask to put on...i knew she was for serious. so i called my husband to let him know my predicament and he thought i was making it up (i assure you i am not). i asked him kindly to pick up some gatorade, soup, and my prescription. he obliged...and then flew in the door with it freaking out about how it all cost FORTY-SEVEN dollars and he thought it was ridiculous! (no coupons for CVS that day) then, he picked up the kids and shoved them in the door and went to the gym (men.) meanwhile, i'm in bed part flu victim part mental patient cause i can't move and he's gone. i think the girls knew the severity of my illness due to my mask covered mouth. i had a courageous conversation with butch about how i can't be expected to take care of a hamster, let alone two children at this point. he came home and realized i was not faking when he took one look at me (seriously, walking dead actress in the making). as i laid here in bed the past two days, i question my mental well being until this influenza is gone. one thing though, i'm glad it's me and not my kids...if they get it i will be devastated. although i love all things holiday, the flu doesn't usually factor into that equation. wishing you all a happy, HEALTHY, holiday season. hopefully muhammad ali doesn't sneak in your bedroom during the next week in the middle of the night and give you the one/two punch, nor do you have to wear a mask. may your days be merry and bright...and i mean that in the least sarcastic way possible.

december

so here we are in the middle of december and i really don't know where the past year has gone. i was recently at a birthday party for a friend's kid and she said, "so why haven't you been writing lately!?" i remarked that since graduate school has ended i really don't feel like writing anything. ever again. (ever.) it's not that it sucked the fun out of writing, it is just nice not being behind the laptop talking about literacy and it's many facets. in the meantime, there have been several things that have happened that have been quite funny in my world that i would like to share with you. first of all, yesterday morning, for example, i rolled over before the sun shone her shiny face and did what most people do when they wake up...i grabbed my phone off of the nightstand to take a little looksee before i had to face the day. lo and behold, i had a snapchat notification (yes, we use this app like 14 year old girls) from my best friend fen. i realized that she must've sent it at like 4:44am, which was mad friggen early to be snapping pictures of, well, anything. so i rubbed my eyeballs and then hit the red square cautiously. (if you are unfamiliar with snapchat, search the google.) what i saw was nothing short of amazing. one question: if a 9 foot christmas tree (that originally took 3 days to decorate) falls in a living room...will your fiance be the first one to hear it? the answer to that question is yes...he shot out of bed like a bullet, wide-eyed, and woke her the hell up.

i'm not surprised by stuff that happens to her anymore, cause there is a long laundry list of lemony snicket's series of unfortunate events in her life. for example, around halloween she called me (screaming) from her car and said that she thought someone had broken into her house...because there was loud music playing and the lights were left on. she went on to say she wasn't sure if the intruder was still in there. (whaaat?!) i asked her if the door was unlocked and she said no, "but brad paisley was singing sweet nothings loudly" and she wasn't sure why. she was sure someone was hiding in a closet waiting to off her with a carving knife and bury her in the backyard. i told her to go the hell inside because her roommate probably just left the tv on prior to leaving for work (she did.). she made me stay on the phone with her the whole time...like a lifetime movie gone wrong. (what are best friends for?) turns out no one was in there except for the monsters under her bed and the country singer slash stabber. (nice.) so after i saw the snapchat of the tree, i had to get my shit together. i then sauntered (more like old lady walked) into the bathroom and my husband was there. we don't say too much to each other in the morning and i'm okay with that. i have a hard time making words, let alone sentences, at that hour.

however, when i began to brush my teeth, i was bent over the sink and proceeded to spew toothpaste out of my mouth and all over the mirror...in a fit of laughter. i don't know what it was about that goddamn christmas tree, but when i got to thinking about it (timberrrrr!)...i couldn't stop laughing. he ran into the bathroom and yelled, 'WHAT!?' i grabbed my phone, pulled up the screenshot and said, "one guess who this happened to." without missing a beat...he said fen. there are so many things i love about the holidays, but trees that fall in a living room of a house in the middle of the night with no pets or children involved is one of my favorites. another favorite is the introduction of both my household elf on the shelf and my classroom elf. there are so many people that are so cynical about the damn thing, but let me try to explain it to you. take your average child under the age of ten and think about how excited they are about...anything. kids get excited about EVERYTHING. so take that and then add the month of december...where kids have to wrap their brains around the fact that a jolly fat guy in a red suit is going to bring them presents for (seemingly) no reason at all except for them "being good." you know what happens? they lose their little minds.

most children, in the month of december, lose their minds. so enter the elf. yes, the book that accompanies him states that he travels back to santa to report what he saw during the day and stuff...but do you know what the elf actually does? he brings the spirit of christmas right into your home or (also) in my case, classroom. it really is magical. and fun. and when people that get all wound up in a negative way about that elf...it makes me want to throat punch them. (happy holidays!) most of these naysayers are not around little people for the most part and don't quite "get it." i dare these scrooges to come into my school for a minute each morning when my kindergartners fire into the classroom like they have been shot out of a cannon. they are so (SO!) excited to see where the elf has "landed" from the night before...and their conversations about him are even better. my own kids hunt around in the morning looking for our home elf "snowflake" and carrie usually claps and squeals when she sees her...ella's eyes light up and i usually need a defibrillator to resuscitate my heart. (so there.) i have gotten away from posing him/her in 328 different positions, cause i've realize that just the fact that it has "magically" moved from one place to another is enough in the eyes of a child.

warren has also been wayyyy wound up about the holidays this year...and has decided to griswold the front of the house again. instead of using staples like clark, he used tacks this time. i didn't know what i was going on...until i went outside and it looked like jolly st. nick took puke on the cedar shakes. (colored lights a plenty.) he's also back in the coupon game and told me that he wants to convert carries bedroom into his "couponing room." i said, "let's not and say we did." (ps. this is a classic quote that my dad always said growing up) he replied with, "you're not letting my coupon skills flourish. they are being bottled up!" (if you don't believe me i'll show you the text.) he gets real passionate about shit like colored lights and coupons and sometimes i don't have the energy to be his cheerleader in that regard. however, when my family was here, they were alllllll about egging him on about both the colored lights (my dad suggested adding candy canes) and the coupons (my mom got wayyyy excited about the free toothpaste) so later on yesterday morning, when i was still laughing about the tree falling down, i got another snapchat from fen...sending me into a another fit of laughter. i was sitting at my desk at lunchtime and thought, will this nonsense ever end with her? she's balls deep in wedding planning and i'm along for the ride...i can't imagine what fun stuff is around the bend. meanwhile, if you can't get into the holiday spirit...you are more than welcome to come to my house, my classroom, or even fen's to see the previously fallen tree. go hard or go home is my motto this time of year...otherwise, you are just missing out. man i love the holidays.