so something shifts in your forties and weird stuff just starts happening with your body and everything else, actually..i really wish people would have warned me about this. for example, about a month ago my husband decided to veer left on our choice of laundry detergent (rhymes with rain), which then somehow led to my seemingly unexplainable itching and a relentless rash. it took me about 3 and half weeks and a picture upload to the chat gpt to figure it out, but what in the middle age is this? sensitive skin? i don’t even know who i am anymore. i do believe perimenopause and about a million dateline episodes made me subconsciously think that my husband was trying to legitimately poison me by other means…but that’s besides the point. it was the shift in laundry detergent and nothing else. your forties make you weak.
as i was dealing with debilitating sore skin (the scent is DEWDROP DREAMS), he was suddenly getting shocked around the house. i’m not just mentioning a mild burst of energy that creates a small spark. i’m talking about a mini electrocution with a visible light, sound, and (loud) scream every time he touches metal, or any surface really. i don’t know, but do you enter your forties and your body is now…a conductor? also, when did male coughing (and sneezing) escalate to levels that they enter on the actual decibel scale? he’s suddenly so LOUD. like i’m sitting, reading a book, minding my own business…he sneezes, i jump scare of my seat and then threaten to end his life by suffocation if he does it again. however, my coworker (similar age) mentioned that she yelled at her husband the other night for "yawning wrong" (i died). in exchange for the loud orifice explosions, i now secretly pray for the shock therapy he’s enduring in order to laugh a little on the inside.
despite our problems with the integumentary systems, life is pretty chill. our children are both teenagers, which people REALLY warned us about when they were babies. however, the “just waits” haven’t really shown themselves yet. they still like us and want to hang out. they are still respectful, kind, and funny humans so far. sometimes being decent humans, though, cannot outrun the hormones. i’m talking the ones of the female reproductive kind…as in their CYCLE. my first born went into a serious crying jag the other day because chic fila didn’t “give her enough fries.” i calmly yelped, “i’m not sure what is going on with you right now but you better figure it out.” she retreated to her room, which i then later (slowly) walked in and said, “perchance, are you getting your period soon?” which she then started laugh slash crying hysterically while nodding her head. fries aside, we both ended up laughing hysterically at this point.
truthfully so, i actually love this phase of parenthood, minus being in what i call my “uber era.” for people that don’t have driver’s licenses, they sure do want and need to go a lot of places. trace adkins is bellowing “you’re gonna miss this” on the radio as i spend almost every night running them around. alas, i know soon they will be driving and that will lead to a whole new level of anxiety. furthermore, the first born (sophomore) is going on field trips to visit local universities and also getting invites to college fairs. as i’m crumbling about that, my second born recently informed me that she doesn’t think she wants to go to college, because she would rather “sit on the couch and drink wine” with me (end quote). i had to explain that a stable job has allowed me the privilege to sit on the couch in the evenings with wine, so she better figure something out in the future. she chuckled and sauntered out of the room with her head of curly hair, unbothered (in true second born fashion).
in closing, as i enter into my middleish forties this year, i will be ever aware that weird things are going to continue to happen with my body...and also my husband’s. it seems like sensitive skin and pseudo shock therapy are just the beginning (joy). if you are around or nearing this age, consider this a forewarning (i had none). furthermore, having teenage children isn’t for the faint of heart, unless you hold onto your sense of humor. when in doubt…always pick up an extra order of fries, slap the uber sign on your windshield for good measure, and as you sip your wine at night realize that fact that you stopped saving for harvard years ago for the second born is actually a major win. cheers, friends. may the odds ever be in your favor.
